College. Day 10.

I’m at home today. I don’t feel well. On top of physical sickness, I can’t stop feeling nervous – like the reality of being at a completely new school has finally caught up to me. People like me drown in new environments. So how have I managed to stay afloat? While I thought I was becoming weaker, was I actually becoming stronger? Am I plummeting over the edge like I thought I was, or am I learning to fly? Suddenly I’m not so sure.

I’ve made friends in my English and photography classes, so I’m feeling a lot more comfortable at school. I’ve also been hanging out a lot with a few particular girls that I didn’t know very well before now. Life is pretty good, so why do I feel queasy? I feel like I don’t know how I’m going to face tomorrow – but I’ve really got nothing to worry about.

This happens to me every so often. Whenever I start feeling physically sick, my emotions go crazy. I’m honestly stressing out for no reason right now. It’s a horrible feeling. I just wish it would go away.

College. Day 7. (yesterday)

I would have to say that English writing is my favourite class – which is interesting, because when I first walked into the room I had no idea who anyone was. I sat right at the front and made eye contact a few too many times with a guy who, to my embarrassment, turned out to be a girl. To top things off, the teacher asked me to read something aloud to the class and made a point of reading it herself because she apparently couldn’t hear me.

But, as I said, it’s got to be my favourite class. Why?

a) I met a girl named Clo who is so sweet and kind.

b) the class is filled with people my age who love to write and read!!! What more could you ask for???

c) the homework is actually fun. I actually have an excuse to write stories all the time!

So although it started off a little rocky, I am really enjoying the class now. I’m even thinking of doing it again next year! :)

College. Day 5.

Things ran a looot smoother today! I had photography in the morning, which was a little boring, but I’m feeling more comfortable in the class now. At recess I sat with a few friends, and after recess I had a free, which I spent studying in the library. I had support group at the start of lunch and I sat with Holly, who I haven’t seen since last week.

Blah blah blah … I know what you’re thinking. Get to the good stuff already!

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was feeling tired on my way home

After lunch I had health studies. We had to work in groups, and this time things didn’t run so smoothly. The group I sat with didn’t interact at all. And when I was walking to my locker with my friend, the awkward-guy-from-intro looked at me … and smiled. WHAT?!?! I’m sorry, but for the past few days you’ve been ignoring me, avoiding eye contact, blah blah … and now you pluck up the courage to smile??? I am just reeeally hoping he wasn’t smiling at someone behind me, because I smiled back. And that would just be … I mean, I have class with him tomorrow! Oh, man…

Then after school the awkward-guy-from-photography looked me straight in the eye … actually, that wasn’t the first time he looked at me today. Every time I see him I feel sick inside … oh, why do we have to be in the same class? Let alone the same locker room?? Let alone the same college??? We’re even friends with the same people. Ugh.

After school I had no money. I didn’t have my bank card. My bus ticket had expired that morning.

I was stuck at school.

LONG STORY SHORT I’m home now. But I actually had a fairly decent day. A little dramatic, but good. Now … let’s just keep it that way, shall we? Thanks. :)))

College. Day 4.

After a long weekend to digest all that happened in the first three days of school, I am feeling much better.

  • In the morning I met up with a friend to catch the bus to school with.
  • My first class was English writing. Chlo greeted me and we stuck together for most of the lesson. My teacher took us to the library and we sat in comfy chairs around a huge table in the conference room. One of the librarians showed us the education website on a screen.
  • At recess I sat in the shade with three friends. We did the normal stuff – ate food and talked about our classes.
  • I sat next to a friend in intro to psych&socio. We started learning about sociology. I’m guessing we’ll do psychology in the second half of the year.
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    managed to shove a selfie into my jam packed day ;) hahahha

  • I went to a café to have lunch with my dad. It was nice. He gave me a keyring with a picture of all of us in it.
  • After lunch I had English writing again. The teacher gave us an assignment. It’s called ‘First Lines’. We had to find ten books where the very first line caught our attention. Now we have to choose one of those sentences and write our own narrative with that sentence as our first.
  • I think the boy that kept staring at me in the first lesson is actually a girl. I don’t know.
  • After school I picked up some photos for Mum. Everywhere I looked there were college kids hanging with their friends. It’s times like that when I feel very alone.
  • While I was on the bus, I spotted the huge cruise ship that will take my dad and his family to a different state tomorrow. I felt a little empty inside.

Anyway.
I need to be a friend to have a friend. I just hope I’m a nice enough person to be with.

Finally Friday!!!

It’s finally Friday! Man, the last three days have been jam-packed. I realise that there is probably not one person who bothered to read all of my last blog entry. To be honest that doesn’t even bother me, because if I was you, I’d be like – ooh, this looks interesting … oh wait, no. Too long. Next..!

I will try to be really, really brief from now on. Or maybe I should say that I will really, really try to be brief! Here’s the (BRIEF) lowdown on today’s events:

College. Day three.

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tired but relieved to be home!!! (btw the thing on my head is a towel haha)

Morning: Because I live so far away, I have to go to school early even if I don’t have classes straight up. I arrived at school with a friend (happy birthday, friend!!) at around 8:30am and went to the library. After I had settled down in the “quiet study” section and opened my English writing book to complete some homework, I found that my nerves quickly dissipated. I had finally found my place! There were no crowds, it was quiet, and there were books … everywhere. It was perfect – well, perfect for me. :)

Health studies: I got lost. But I asked for directions, and I’m glad I did. I sat down next to my only friend. The teacher gave instructions to talk to people we had never met before. I actually really enjoyed it. I can’t remember everyone’s names, but two people that stuck out for me were Callum and Emily. Callum and I actually talked a lot more than I did with the other people, which is surprising (for me) because I thought I was terrible at talking to guys. Haha. Emily was really nice.

Lunch: Went to my Friday maths class. I basically got handed sheets to complete at home and was offered help whenever I need it. Thank you, now get me out of here (I chose the mandatory maths class, nothing more – maths is not my strong point!) As I was heading down the stairs, I started feeling nervous. But a friend called out my name, and before I knew it I was being invited out to lunch with her and three other girls! It was really fun, but it made me late for my next class…

Photography: I stepped inside the room, cheeks flushed and sweating like a dog. The room was small, crowded. And when the teacher asked my name, every head turned to face my less-than-attractive face.

Lovely.

The lesson went by in a blur. I think everyone was tired and just wanted to go home. The one good thing that came out of it is that I felt a lot less uncomfortable in the class than I had the first time. And maybe by the end of the year I’ll be able to casually talk to the guy that I am definitely not able to casually talk to (or even look him in the eye). Maybe.

I KNOW THAT WASN’T BRIEF BUT IT WAS BRIEFER THAN PREVIOUS ENTRIES. Sorry for the caps but I had to make you understand. Hahaha! Anyway … it’s finally Friday! No more school until Tuesday!!!

College. Day two.

  • Saw old friend at bus mall. Sat with her until I got to bus stop.
  • Walked to school by myself.
  • Sat by myself in support group until Holly came. We had to write about ourselves. It was easy.
  • First class: intro to psych & sociology. Found the classroom by myself, no help needed! Teacher was an explosion of pink – pink dress, pink cardigan, pink necklace, pink lips. Soft voice and talks a lot. Seems nice, though.
  • Sat by myself – well, with a stranger. Saw another guy I’m awkward with. He looked more uncomfortable than me, though. I just took note not to look him in the eye. Also saw two people from my old school – a guy who was in my class and a girl who had been in the year above. Both nice people.
  • Recess. Sat with friends – most of which I didn’t really talk to last year. It was nice. I ate food (unlike yesterday).
  • Second class: English writing. Nearly walked into the wrong classroom. Sat down. Some English whizz sat next to me. I can already tell he’ll be a favourite. The English teacher pronounced my last name wrong. Couldn’t blame her. The guy opposite me kept staring at me. He had dark shoulder-length hair, black clothes and black-&-white Converse trainers. The teacher was weird. A bit like my old English teacher, but nicer. Played a game. She called out genres while we wrote story titles for those genres off the tops of our heads and then passed our papers to the left. I was at the end so I had to walk over to staring-boy every time to give him my paper. At the end she put us in groups. I was put with Chlo and Tom. They are so nice! I think I’ve made two new friends. Which means I’ve made a total of 3 friends in two days!!! Oh my gosh! (Thank you God!!) We had to choose a title that we thought was really good and write a blurb about it. Tom and Chlo chose one of the titles I had written (The Black Void). I read out the blurb because Chlo finds it hard to read out stuff since she has a lisp, and Tom wasn’t offering to. It was embarrassing because the teacher couldn’t hear me and she made a point of telling me (loudly) that I was ‘so quiet’.

Seriously? I joined this class to get away from obnoxious people … ugh. Oh well, I’m still glad I did that for Chlo. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I would be kicking myself if she had to read it out loud and get nasty snickers or stares.

  • Lunch. Went for an hour and a half. Way too long. Explored with Kate. Sat on the floor with Kate. Ate some more food. Said hello to a random because, well, why not? People have been doing it to me these past couple days. Just randomly greeting me. It’s kind of weird, but nice, I guess.
  • Near the end we sat with Bree and Emily, the girl who I had recognised in my psych & sociology class. When it was time to go to class we walked there together and sat next to each other. Yay!
  • Third class: psych & sociology with Emily and Mrs Pink. She handed out sheets of papers with questions like ‘what colour are the couches in the common room?’ Emily and I worked on it together. We were allowed to go out of the classroom to answer the questions. When we got back we watched part of a movie clip about four people who observe other people. It was interesting.
  • When classes were over I went to the mall and bought some jeans. I had no one to walk with, talk to or hang out with. But that’s okay. I had a good day over all.

And besides, I’d rather be alone than have friends who don’t really care about me.

…this dot point thing Still. Isn’t. Working. !!

First day!

Ahhh! Too much on my mind right now. I’m just going to put it all in dot-form so I don’t ramble too much.

  • Today was my first day of college. The number one thing that stressed me out? It was a maze! Like literally! I actually got lost and the principal (the principal!!!) had to take me to my classroom. I felt so humiliated, but grateful all the same.
  • Second thing. Everyone is so … perfect. There really is no other way to describe it. It’s kind of like, did I miss the memo to come to school looking like a model..?
  • Third. EVERYBODY KNOWS EACH OTHER. Like, I saw people I know in a few of my classes, but I’m not really close to any of them. The other people in my classes were talking to each other like they’d been best buddies for years. What?! Dude, there are like – over a thousand students at this school? How could you know all those people???
  • Fourth. Crowded. There are people. Everywhere.

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    dis my nervous face!!!

  • Fifth. I’m in a class with a guy. Now this guy … well, let’s just say we were once really close and then … things got, awkward? Maybe. It’s hard to explain, and I don’t feel like spilling my secrets over the internet. But basically, it’s made me really uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable.

On the bright side … there were a few good things about my first day. :)

  • First of all, my support group teacher is really nice. She made sure I knew where my classes were and always called me by my first name. She’s also the teacher of one of my classes, so hopefully we’ll get to know each other well. The only downside is that she’s pregnant and won’t be teaching for a while later in the year, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves!
  • Second. I MADE A FRIEND! Her name is Holly and she introduced herself to me because we’re both friends with this girl that was in my class at my old school. Holly is so, so cool. I really hope she never reads this because it sounds so cheesy! But honestly, she’s just so … real. Like what you see is what you get. That’s probably the wrong quote to use, but anyhow. You get the picture (I hope).
  • Third. You can call your teachers by their first names. Shhweet!
  • Fourth. I was so afraid that I wouldn’t be able to find my friends, but instead, I talked to way more of my ‘acquaintances’ than I usually do! And the weird thing? Some guy said ‘hey’ to me, and to be honest, I didn’t recognise him at all. Maybe he’s in my support group??? Maybe I met him years ago??? I am seriously intrigued.
  • Five. It’s a new experience. Yes, it’s stressful. No, I couldn’t eat much because of the nerves in my stomach. But I’ll get used to it. I’ll survive. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll make new friends, become a better person, and reach my goals by the end of this.

We’ll just have to wait and see! …damn, the dot points didn’t really do their job.

How do people get past the fact that our existence is completely random? My life could have easily gone in a completely different direction. By some miracle, my father survived a severe motorcycle accident when I was very young. I could have lived my life with no memories of him whatsoever. And what if one of my parents hadn’t become a Christian? They would not have met at Bible college, they would not have gotten married, and I would not even exist. Am I the only one who feels overwhelmed by the possibility of non-existence? Or is everyone else just better at not thinking about it?

How do I live my life with these thoughts weighing down on me? I am lucky blessed to be here, and yet…I feel like I’m wasting my time away. You’re only sixteen. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do I really, though? If my existence is completely random, who’s to say I won’t die tomorrow?

From this day forward, I am only going to say good things about other people. Call this a revelation, a belated new year’s resolution…whatever. I’m going to do this.

I guess I realise that I haven’t been the easiest person to be around lately. Which is kind of ironic, because I’ve been trying so hard to say and do things that I know won’t cause confrontation, arguments, or just plain disagreement. And I know that’s stupid. Pointless.

I have to be strong in who I am, not in who I pretend to be, or who I’d like to be, or who people expect me to be. I am Rose. I have high expectations, but I always (or mostly) strive to see the good in other people. I often disagree with people’s points of view. I get depressed easily and my biggest dream is to help other people to overcome depression, other mental disorders and to help them through bad circumstances.

I am broken, I am lost, I am confused. But I am real. And I would much rather be exposed to the world than to live a lie my whole life.

The whole point of this blog is to expose myself – not just on a computer screen, but in the real world, too.

To be honest, I am a complete mess right now. I am on anti-depressants, I just broke the heart of a guy that I actually really like, I have become distant from people I used to call my friends… you get the picture. But this is me. Me in my rawest form. And maybe being a little (okay, a lot) less than perfect is okay for me right now. Because from here on, there’s nowhere to go except up.

And who knows, maybe my complete, exposed honesty will help someone else in their journey. I guess I can only wait and see.